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Vaginas Behaving Badly: The Vart

While our vaginas can do no wrong, quite a few of us have dealt with queefing shame.

By Aurelie | 10 March 2020
Illustration bu

At the top of the list of potentially embarassing things our vaginas do at the worst of times? Queefing, hands down… Us: Why do you always have to make us look bad at the worst possible times? Is it like a desperate plea for attention? If so you’re truly going about it the wrong way… Our vagina: What are you even on about? Uhm, hello, do you literally not remember anything about last night? Vart, queef, fanny fart, “passage of air through the vaginal canal”, however you want to call it … That was just mortifying. How could you let us down like that, everything has been going so smoothly up until then… Uhm, hi, do you literally have no sense of humour? So things got a little out of hand, big deal. Surely everyone knows it’s normal for air to get trapped and even you must understand that what comes in must invariably come back out at some point or other? The other party didn’t seem to mind much… What else could he have done, compliment us on the acoustics? Don’t be acting so blasé, help us, tell us what to do… or not to do? Sorry to break it to you but there isn’t much you can do other than chill and make an effort not to be so uptight? Although to be honest, that position you like so much is a great build-up for the dreaded queef… Granted it does make your bum look pretty amazing but being on all fours definitely increases the chances of it happening, just FYI. Are you saying we should settle for plain old missionary if we want to exit the bedroom unburdened by the weight of infinite shame? If you’re so concerned with being a Little Miss Perfect with a perfect little vagina then maybe you should. What’s with the attitude? “Queefs once, feels like a badass”? Drop the bitchy tone and say something constructive for a change? As much as we’d like to reassure, there is no foolproof method, but hopefully you’ll be a little more mature about it next time. That being said, you could always try to be a little more serious about your Kegel routine… When’s the last time you worked us out? Our point exactly. It’s okay if you’re not comfortable doing it on your commute or at brunch à la Samantha Jones but you could take advantage of your special me-time to squeeze it in, cheap pun definitely intended. It’s literally as easy as grabbing your favourite toy and clenching, clenching and clenching some more. Again, this won’t stop air from going in but we both know a strong pelvic floor goes a long way. Feeling a little better about it all? A little we guess, and they’ve just messaged back so maybe he did find it somewhat endearing… So now you’re embracing the whole vartgate? Stop being so fickle, go grab that toy and get working on that Kegel routine. Can you totally relate? Do you have a classic queef story you’d like to share? Stay tuned for more tales of vaginas behaving badly.
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